A chunk of wing
in everyone’s shoes.
All is as it should be where it's tropical.
I slip my mouth around
the mango’s thickish tongue,
her western saddle
perfumed butter and hair.
It is all over my mouth
the yellow smell
and her undone purse!
I am almost completely through
to the kayak bone when
a fly lands on the surface!
One time! Forever!
Jupiter & earth!
I swish her away (the fly)
because I need that part.
When I drop her in the water
(the mango)
her armless body falls
just like someone
she will make a cloud
on the ocean floor.
Isn’t that fair?
I for an instant (not the fly)
decide the seeds!
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1 comment:
Great lines:
1.) a chunk of wing in everyone's shoes (I stole this for a Rules of the Game Poem).
2.) mango's thickish tounge, (! Why thickish is better than thick is a mystery I shall never unravel.)
3.) The third stanza is all full of O'Hara spirit. I want to marry it.
He had the best style. He always wore Jack Purcells. I would just say:
A fly lands on the surface!
One time! Forever!
Jupiter & earth.
because the "they" enter the poem, never to be heard from again and I'm like where did "they" go?
4.) Also the 4th stanza is lovely with that parenthetic statement about the ship, but the introduction of the "carriers" adds an extra element that takes away. I feel like "they" and the "carriers" are the same, no? Maybe use one label for both so the reader gets an idea who they really are and what they are doing in the poem. Everything else is so strong about the poem, maybe "they" aren't even needed.
5.) Maybe a little trimming at the beginning and the end. Kill a few darlings.
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