White Flowers
I asked her to kiss me and she did.
I wanted to impress her with my kissing ability
and so placed my hand on her cheek.
It scared me, but I touched it gently.
My eyes were shut, as is the common practice
amongst people of my kind.
As is the common practice amongst people of my kind
my mind began to wander.
I began to think of the namelessness
given to the act of a deer
spooked by his shadow on the rime.
I thought about Papa who died half-naked
with a mouthful of mushroom soup.
I thought of the universe expanding
in its bowl and of the binary code
we shot into the sky
with huge blinking lasers.
I thought of the word isotope.
Isotope, I thought to myself,
although I may have spoke it aloud.
Years passed between end of this kiss
and the beginning of the next. Several things occurred
that demanded immediate attention.
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1 comment:
White Flowers is on its way to being done. ((There are a few typos i believe or awkward places) but otherwise, yes, the newest version survives.
It seems "done" for a couple of reasons. One is because I have a strong sense that you are in command of this poem from the beginning to the end, in a way that doesn't force me anywhere but let's me wander with you. I build an immediate compassion for the speaker from the beginning because he is scared to do something nice and intimate. It's sort of dirty and nice.
I do wonder about the line "amongst people of my kind"
I don't need that line if you don't. Do you think a reader needs it?
I also wonder about the laser beams part. All your poems seem set in a future-world, a future with soft violence, so i hestitate letting in lines that give me too much specificity about that world.
My favorite lines are "it scared me, but i touched it gently" AND "the universe expanding in its bowl"
I like that the two characters never actually seem to contact each other which is sad and not always true.
-mollye
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